Thank you for your letter which I received earlier this week listing what you would like for Christmas.Let me take your list one at a time.
- I do not accept your accusation of bias against traditional Christmas Songs. It would just not sound right to change ‘the First Noel’ to ‘the First Yesel’ and as for the Irn Bru version of Walking in the Air – it doesn’t look the least bit like Jim Murphy to me. And I certainly don’t appreciate your threat to organise a boycott of all Santa’s grottos until your demands are met.
- You ask for a copy of Alice in Wonderland so you can look up your favourite quote to describe the Record’s Leaders’ Vow. The quote is actually from Through the Looking Glass when Humpty Dumpty says "When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less." Anyway, I think you should probably stay away from books this Christmas until your pals have learned not to play with matches.
- No – you can’t have a new bike without stabilisers. You’ve got a perfectly good bike with stabilisers and you’ve made no effort to learn how to go it properly – and don’t keep asking Christmas after Christmas. The one you’ve got should do you for at least a generation.
- You have asked for a game called ‘Corplunk – setting the rate of Corporation Tax’. I don’t think it is a very nice game for you to play with, involving as it does a race to the bottom. If I do have one to spare I am thinking of giving it to that nice boy, Peter, from Northern Ireland.
Anyway, Nicola – as you know, presents are for boys and girls who have been good – not naughty. I have asked all my elves about your behaviour and a majority, 45%, tell me you have been very naughty, so you are getting nothing at all this Christmas.